A Faux Funeral
by PockyPaint
Summary: "What kind of jank name is Mr. Squiggles?" "H-Hey! I picked out that name! And it's way better than Mr.Bubbles!" "Show him some respect!" "He doesn't DESERVE respect!" One-shot.


**You will not believe how this came to me, so I'm not going to tell you.**

**Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or any of the (human) characters.**

**A Faux Funeral**

**Starring Sakura and TenTen!**

**TenTen's House:**

'WHOA-OH-OH-OH-OH! THERE'S A PARTY RICH DUDE'S HOUSE! IF YA WANNA GO, THEN YOU KNOW-OH! THERE'S A PARTY -'

Click.

"Yo…"

Sniff. "TenTen?"

"Present."

"Are you…*sniffle* busy?"

Glance around at discarded paint cans. "Not anymore, why?"

"Can you come over…like…right now?" Nose being blown loudly.

"Wait, is this Sakura?"

"Yeah."

"Are you CRYING?"

"…no."

"You are! Oh my gawd, who died?"

"How did you know…someone died?"

"Because you NEVER cry. Not even when you fell off the roof in kindergarten and broke your arm and leg. You just laughed…Anyway, who's dying and/or dead?"

"…Someone very close to me…"

"Oh not, not Naruto! Please don't tell me Hinata killed him in a hormone-driven rage!"

"No, not him. Why would Hinata try to kill my brother? I thought they were happy now that they've finally gotten together."

"Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"That Naruto sold all of Hinata's furniture to pay for ramen, including that 1,000 dollar sofa that you and I bought her three months ago."

"…"

"Sakura? You still there?"

"…yeah. Just plotting ways to destroy Naruto in his sleep."

"You sound better already! So, you gonna tell me who died or not…Wait, did Neji just call you, and say Sasuke was dying in a hospital? I'm so sorry, Sakura! I should have made sure you knew where he was going! I thought you said it was okay!"

"Where was he going?"

"To the block party going on down the street. I'm sure you can hear the music through the phone." Places the phone to the window.

"…" Listens for music, hears it in a few seconds.

"So can you hear it?"

"…yes."

"The party should have been under control! How did he get hurt? Did someone hit him in the head with a bottle? Or did he drown in that enormous pool in the back. Or did he-"

"Sasuke isn't in the hospital…but he's going to be…"

"Wait; let me get this straight…So Sasuke isn't hurt?"

"Not that I know of."

"Whew. I was worried that Neji had lied to me."

"About what?"

"About the police chaperoning the party to make sure it wasn't getting out of hand."

"TenTen, when Kiba told me about the party yesterday, the way he described it didn't sound like the police would be _anywhere_ near it. What _exactly_ did Neji tell you?"

"Well, he said, and I quote, 'L.A.'s Finest will take good care of us. Don't worry about it.'"

"TenTen…"

"Yes?"

"Do you know _why_ I told Sasuke I didn't want him to go to that party?"

"No, why?"

"Because the entertainment for the party was being provided by L.A.'s Finest."

"The police were going to sing?"

"No…the police weren't going to be there at all."

"I don't understand…"

"TenTen, L.A.'s Finest is the name of the strip club over there behind Chucky Cheeses."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…you there?"

"**ASDFGHJKL! That no good mother fuc-**"

Click.

**Sakura's House:**

'THERE'S A PLACE I KNOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A SHOW! WHERE THEY GO HARDCORE AND THERE'S-'

Click.

"Tennie? You calm yet, because I still have to tell you about-"

"**I can't BELIEVE that man bitc-**"

Click.

Ten Minutes Later:

'THERE'S A PLACE I KNOW, IF YOU'RE LOOK-'

Click.

"…hello."

"I'm calm now."

"You sure?"

"Positive. I vented my anger else where."

"Like…?"

"…Neji's car."

"Nice…"

"Anyway, so are you gonna tell me who died or not? You and I can plot our revenge on the boys later."

"Mr. Bubbles."

"…"

"…"

"…what." Disbelief.

"Mr. Bubbles is the one who died."

"I could have sworn you just said _Mr. Bubbles_."

"I did."

"Clarify exactly which Mr. Bubbles we're talking about."

"My goldfish Mr. Bubbles…"

"I _thought_ that was who we were talking about. Why are you calling me about Mr. Bubbles?"

"Because he's dead!"

"I KNOW he's dead! But why are you calling ME?"

"I was hoping that…since…you know…you did that really nice funeral service for your dog Coco-"

"May he rest in peace."

"-That you could…kinda-sorta…maybe do something like it for Mr. Bubbles."

"I don't know…you may be my best friend, but can you really afford my services? Coco's funeral depleted my whole allowance for that week. A whole $60, gone, just like that!"

"Please, TenTen! I'll do anything!"

"Hmmm…I got it! I know how you can afford it!"

"How?"

"Do Kakashi-sensei's essay on Evolution for me!"

"Deal! I figured you'd ask me something like that, so I made a copy of mine with your name on it! You know he never actually reads these things. He's like, the easiest college professor there is."

"AWE-SOME! I'll be at your house in ten! Wear something nice and black!"

"Okay!"

Click.

**Ding Dong.**

**Diing Doong.**

**Diiing Dooong.**

**Diiiing Doooong.**

****-

Door flies open. Death glare.

"Stop hitting my door bell like it's the freakin' easy button."

"Well sooorrrryy. Nice suit, by the way."

"Thanks. Nice preacher death-robe thingy. Come in, the stuff is set up in here."

Walks down the hall into the bathroom.

"Those are some pretty roses around the toilet bowl. Are those the ones you beat Ino with in her flower shop? The ones she made you pay for?"

"Yep. Hey, what's in that box?"

"What box?"

"The box you're holding in your hands. Why is it moving?"

Sigh. Hands the box to Sakura. Glances guiltily towards the dead fish in the bowl sitting on the back of the toilet.

"Just call it comfort for losing someone so close to you. He's way better than a dumb ol' fish!"

Opens box. Stares.

"…you got me a hamster?"

"His name is Mr. Squiggles! How cute is he?"

"What kinda jank name is Mr. Squiggles?"

"H-hey! _I_ named him! And Mr. Squiggles is a way better name than Mr. _Bubbles._"

"I can't believe you thought this rat thing could replace Mr. Bubbles!"

"RAT THING? Don't disrespect him like that!"

"He doesn't DESERVE respect!"

"Oh yeah, well, here's what I think of your retarded fish!"

TenTen dumps dead fish into the toilet and flushes.

"MR. BUBBLES! How could you?"

"He was already dead! Get over it!"

"Oh yeah, well then…your stupid hamster can go die too!"

Sakura throws hamster into still flushing toilet.

"MR. SQUIGGLES!"

TenTen quickly reaches in and saves drowning hamster.

"You were going to murder a hamster!"

Toilet finishes flushing.

"You actually _did_ murder my fish!"

"He was ALREADY DEAD!"

"He hadn't been blessed before you flushed him! He might as well have still been alive…" sniff. "I had that fish ever since I was three…fifteen years ago."

TenTen awkwardly pats Sakura on the shoulder with one hand while holding the hamster with the other.

"It'll be okay, Sakura…I'm sorry I got mad and flushed your fish without blessing it first…"

"And I'm sorry I tried to kill your hamster."

"It's okay. Hey, how about I take you to the pet store and get you another fish? Not a hamster, but a fish…"

Sniff. "Can I get a piranha?"

"Sure, buddy. Anything you want…anything at all."

"Thanks TenTen. You're a true friend."

As both walk out of the house, the hamster falls from TenTen's pocket unseen, and lands on the sofa.

"Hey Tennie, you had better not bring that hamster back to my house anymore, or I'll feed it to my piranhas!"

TenTen absent-mindedly pats pocket where she _thinks_ the hamster is.

"No worries…"

**Later on, that night after Sakura gets her piranhas:**

'THERE'S A PLACE I KNO-'

Click.

"Talk to me."

"Sakura, I got a problem! I can't find Mr. Squiggles ANYWHERE! Will you call me if you find him?"

"Actually, I'm looking at him right now."

"Great! Where is he?"

"Getting eaten alive by my new piranhas, Mr. Butternut and Mr. Mocoalatte. Ooh, and there goes his leg…You want me to bring whatever pieces are left over to your house tomorrow?"

"…no, thank you. Just…thanks for…letting me know."

"No problem! What are friends for?"

Click.

**The next day at school:**

**HOMEROOM:**

"Sakura, TenTen, you two girls have detention."

"What? Why Kakashi-sensei!"

"Yeah!"

"Because I was looking over the classes essays for the first time in six years, and yours are _**exactly**_ the same, word for word."

"How do you know Sakura didn't just steal mine and copy it?"

"Yeah, and- Wait, ? Kakashi-sensei, TenTen copied mine, and she's just mad at me because I fed her hamster to my piranhas! I warned her about leaving it and everything!"

"That's…very disturbing Sakura. And anyway, since I DON'T know, I just gave you both of you detention."

"But we have soccer after school!"

"And volleyball too!"

"No ifs, ands, or buts. Detention. Today. After school. No Questions. Understood?"

"Yes, sir…"

"Yes…sir…"

**So, what did you think? I thought it was pretty random, but I wouldn't know, since this is my first shot at a dialogue fict. Review so that I'll know if I should keep going, work on it, or just stop writing forever…**

**Well, I probably won't do that last one, but I needed three things to say!**


End file.
